


Eren's Diary

by Kumikoko



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Chapter 112, Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 02:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16944942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kumikoko/pseuds/Kumikoko
Summary: Eren laments.





	Eren's Diary

**Author's Note:**

> I read the newest chapter of Attack on Titan and was spurred to write Eren's side of the story that many manga loyalists may not have realized in the midst of being astonished that Eren could be harsh with his once best friends. I firmly believe that even now Eren is pushing them away to free them of what enslaves them, and to ultimately protect him. It's no secret that Eren has gained the ire of the military. The military, knowing Armin and Mikasa are his best friends may target them out of frustration of not being able to capture or control Eren in a timely manner. Eren's "breaking up," with his friends to save them, even at the cost of looking like a bad guy. 
> 
> Everyone's still acting as if the entire Marley incident was Eren's idea. It wasn't. It was Hanji's idea. And the manga still has not explained why and how Floch came to accept Eren as "Lord and Savior." Eren once said before to Reiner that if he had to become a villain to save those he loved, he wouldn't hesitate. I think he's been pulling that off lately. However, it's clear that the military wants to force Eren to pass on his titan powers so they can control a new, ignorant youth. There's no doubt the youth would be used for more war. Eren's trying to end the titan wars by keeping the power to himself. 
> 
> Anyways, don't think too hard about this fic.

Eren's Diary

Someone once told me that to defeat a monster, I would have to become a demon. It wasn’t all that hard once I learned the truth about the world I was born into. I learned it early on in my life from a pale, scraggly boy who would become my best friend. He showed me there was an entire world waiting for us, just outside of the walls that kept us confined into tight, dreary lands. From that moment on I learned that only those strong in strength and mind could survive in this world. I made a decision to protect that boy, and become his equal.

Together, we would escape from our cage. I was his brawn, and he was my mind.  It was us against the world. Me, having a destination to reach, and him, something to prove. He believed, naively, that through reason we could achieve our goals. That, there was no need for violence. Violence was beneath him, and I made sure to keep his hands as clean as I could. It was a philosophy I admired. And in actuality, his logic got us through some tight situations that my sheer might couldn’t.

But it wasn’t enough. Nothing’s ever enough…Kill. Kill. Kill. Enough…? No…I…I saw that I needed to become intelligent, and disciplined like he was. To do this, I joined the military. He followed me. There, I learned to control the insatiable fury within me and turn it into a consistent, chilled wave that ripples underneath my skin. I became diligent, and precise with my movements and skills. In this way, I was taking after the girl who would throw her own life away without a second thought if she thought my life could be saved. She has killer, deadly instincts as if she was bred for combat. It’s the girl I know…but as time went by, I saw glimpses of the _real_ her. The her I have never officially met. The side of her that doesn’t believe I am a just king who can bring peace to Paradis Island. I’d like to meet her one day. She deserves to be free. He deserved to be happy.

In the beginning, I thought the only thing standing in our way of living without fear and war was the presence of the titans. If I just…Kill, Kill, Kill…just…if I just killed the titans, all of our problems would be solved. Easy, right? But then I turned into a titan. I didn’t know what was going on but I quickly became humanity’s hope, and biggest mystery. None of it mattered to me as long as I could protect my friends, and retake my home. That’s when everything became complicated. Friends became enemies and enemies became friends. I saw again how good people die because they weren’t as strong as the enemy. I vowed to become even stronger then to prevent future deaths.

That was the plan, anyways. I didn’t know then just how many people would die for me. As it happened I didn’t know how to stop it. All I knew was that I wanted those I cared for to live. I wanted the power, and wisdom to protect them. I soon knew that the only way to achieve this goal was to throw my own humanity way. I needed to distance myself from everyone, and become a slave to the voices inside of my head since I didn’t know what I was doing, but they did. _Kill, Kill, Kill_. Uh…The…the titans that I ate had the answers I had sought for years. I needed to trust them even though it meant I would have to destroy their unyielding faith in me.

It plagued me, at first. How could I bring myself to hurt the ones I loved? The only people who ever understood me? I came to realize that their life was more important than my own feelings. To free them, I willingly enslaved myself to the titans I had consumed. I let them control me in exchange for their wisdom, and strength to be able to crush my enemies. Don’t call it a noble sacrifice. I only relinquished control of my freedom—the one thing I crave most in this world—KILL, KILL, KILL, to the voices inside my head because I wasn’t strong enough, mentally nor physically to protect them, my once friends.

They hate me now. They should hate me. I abandoned them when they needed me the most. They looked to me for guidance. I couldn’t provide them with it. I wasn’t the smart one of the group. I instead looked to Armin, but I saw that his eyes, once bright and intellectual, were clouded over and distance. I recognized that look. It was the same look I noticed upon myself whenever I struggled for control of my consciousness. Armin ate Bertholt. Bertholt was winning.

My childhood friend was becoming a slave. I still didn’t know how to save him. And the more I learned about the world around me, and the dark truths of the Ackerman clan, I came to understand that I couldn’t possibly do this on my own. But unlike the old days, I couldn’t rely on my friends to be at my side when they weren’t themselves. They were someone else. I didn’t recognize them. Nor could I entangle them in the plans the voices in my head were making. I fought then to be in control of myself, just for a little while. I needed to free my friends of their chains. They needed to wake up. If I could manage that, just that, I could live with the atrocities I was a silent participant in.

Because, for me, it was all about rescuing my friends, no matter the cost to myself. If I had my way, they would be free, and Paradis Island would be void of tyranny. A hapless hero such as myself wouldn’t accomplish much, even with mindless followers like Floch who accepted me as Lord and Savior. Actually, some people believe I am in charge of a cult. No, I’m not the one they’re worshiping. I sit back and watch it happen. I’ve been sidelined ever since I ate my first titan. I just didn’t realize it then.

Giving in to the voices…it was the only choice I had. There was no other way. So many minds couldn’t possibly co-exist in one brain. And especially now I am struggling to write this. _KILL, KILL, KILL_. The voices are arguing amongst themselves. They’re so loud. Someone help me. **KILL, KILL, KILL**. The arguing never stops. I can’t think. But nor can I ask for help just because my mind is splitting. I chose to be the villain of my own story. I’ll go down in history as a villain and I’m okay with that. I just hope that my dad doesn’t smack me upside my head for leaving mom behind again.

I never was the perfect son. Sorry, mom. You shouldn’t have loved me like you did. I wasn’t the boy you thought you knew. I’m a lot like my dad after all, and even knowing that I’d never change a thing about my life. What happened, happened. That said, I don’t expect forgiveness from them, nor anyone else. All I can assert is what I know to be true.

Armin, you were my best friend, but after you ate Bertholt, you stopped being you. I began to see Bertholt in your eyes and I knew I couldn’t stop the change from occurring because it overtook me as well. The memories and consciousness inside of me are insidious. I don’t think I could have resisted them even if I hadn’t given myself over willingly. But you’re only plagued by one entity. Knowing that, I gave freeing you my best shot. I showed you that Bertholt was controlling you. You never would have punched me like that. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have kicked you so hard, since it wasn’t you who was in control of your actions. I’d say that I am sorry, but I needed to be the bad guy to save you. I hope me treating you badly wasn’t in vain. But I guess I’ll never know if severing our friendship was worth it.

Because you know how the military is. Once they decide to go after someone, they do not fail. I expect Hanji was competent enough to send Captain Levi after me. At this rate, my titan powers will be stolen from me, passed down to a young, ignorant youth they believe they can control and then war will continue to plague the world. If I managed to die my way, no one else would be able to weaponize my titan. I doubt that’ll happen. I don’t know if you will take control of yourself or not. I hope you do. I miss you.

Mikasa, I know you’re mad at me and you should be. I hope your heart doesn’t grow cold because of how I treated you. I wouldn’t have told you that I hate you if I had thought there was another way for you to realize you’re a slave to your instincts. You have been protecting me as if I was your King for years. Stop it. Stop protecting me and protect yourself for once. Regain your independence. You deserve to be just as free as everyone else. It is partially your freedom that I am fighting for. This is because the glimpses of you that I saw when you thought I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t know that girl, but I want to know her. I say that, but I know my time has run out. Maybe you can show the world who you are now that I am not your entire world.

I know I resisted you for years. I know you think it’s because I didn’t love you. I wanted to, I just couldn’t see the real you. It’s buried beneath your Ackerman instinct. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to let you go. I shoved you away like you don’t matter. If you can realize the life we lived was a lie, and are still willing to start a new one with me, one where we get to know each other for real this time, I’d be willing to do that with you if I’m not dead. And even if you do wake up and forgive me, don’t look for me. I may not be here to find.

Dreams aren’t the same as reality. The reality is is that it’s taken me hours just to write this. I fade in and out. I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes any sense. What I do know is that the plan is forming inside of my head from the whispers and shouts of those that came before me. What ever happens, just know I was trying to protect everyone. And Mikasa…

Mikasa, I wanted to say that I…

**_KILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILL!!!!!!!!!!!_ **

 

 


End file.
